 |
It's time to laugh. Don't be miser
after all, laugh is best medicine !!! |
| How
was your day? |
One day
a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the
mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back
door. The family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his
wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or
that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here
today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when
you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," he replied.
She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"
|
| On
Marriage: One-Liners |
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There
was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the
car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long
ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know,
I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful. |
| YOU
KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN.. |
You let
one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.
Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs
the blanket.
Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
PMS lasts all month.
Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
"Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are
you finished yet?!"
He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.
Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
Two weeks no orgasm.
Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.
When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator. |
| Happy
Anniversary |
| Staggering
in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the husband collapsed
in a chair and let out a disgusting belch. "That's
it George! I've had it this time!" his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied. "You
don't even know where I'm getting it." |
| What's
a man? |
| Eve, in
the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem."
And the
Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"
"I
know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely-and
I'm sick of eating apples."
"Well,
in that case, " replied the Almighty, "I'll create
a man for you."
"What's
a man?"
"He's
a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and
muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball
and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."
"Sounds
great!" replied Eve.
"There's
one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to
let him believe that I made him first." |
| Honey,
please! |
A man
was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed
to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful
examination said, "We can replace it with a small size
for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size
for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time
and talk it over with your wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring
sadly at the floor.
"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back
tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen!"
|
| Solution? |
Joey's
teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems
to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking
about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution,
please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
|
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women jokes, click here |
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