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It's time to laugh. Don't be miser
after all, laugh is best medicine !!! |
| Work Place Jokes |
| Nerd
or Jock? |
The answer
to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd?": Read all the way to the end.
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000
a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million
in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while
boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would
take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money,
they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but
will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into
a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of
$9500 at 8:30a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd
be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in
the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in
his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S.
past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? Keep reading!!!! |
| What'd
they say? |
These
are purported to be actual announcements made by in-flight attendants:
Before takeoff:
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other
seat belt on the planet. If you don't know how to operate one,
you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
and:
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, or someone who is acting like a small child,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two such persons, decide now which one you love more."
Shortly before arrival:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken
clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money,
more than this airline."
On the ground, after an exceedingly bumpy landing:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
On arrival:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at this airline." |
| That's
Some Headache! |
A man
who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining
about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his
operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason
why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from
some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
"Don't worry about a thing, nurse," the doctor assured
her. "He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway
through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
|
| Don't
Swallow |
A man
enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close
shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a
small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this
between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After
a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what
if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it
back tomorrow like everyone else does." |
| Interviews |
An investment
counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she
needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young
lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off
with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this,
our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned
forward. "Mr.
Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell
you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued
me for the money." |
| Order
Please! |
Although
he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at
the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before
ordering.
One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made
to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked
out the ham and eggs entry.
After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice,
sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash
your hands and bring me some ham and eggs." |
For
more workplace jokes, click here |
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